Tuesday, November 30, 2004
i know it when i dread it,
but there's nothing i can do to stop it.
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Sunday, November 28, 2004
one word : f-e-a-r.
it seems like i KNOW what to expect,
but don't know .....
well, pre-school blues.
common!
Pitch Competition '04.
various schools came - and they were soo different.
some were so cool & excited.
some were sooo nervous till they shivered & kept gulping.
nevertheless, i'm glad that noodle was there too.
and we saw mirza who dropped by.
awesome.
well, pretty sad mirza won't be in my tv production class.
sighz.
in just one week - my dear friend, Ann, will be back for hols from aussie.
at the same time, school will start & it gonna be "back to hell" time.
i don't know.
feeling very confused right now.
feel like "resigning" from my tutoring job.
feel so useless & hopeless.
arghz,
whatever.
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Friday, November 26, 2004
however, i am a fool who always fall for the wrong guy.
i never thought crushing on a guy can be so tired & hurtful.
to me, it should be sweet & fantasising.
i like someone - but he doesn't know.
the feeling i keep to myself is overwhelming.
but i think i had enough.
guys aren't worth my affections.
especially HIM.
i told myself, 'never ever fall for him again'.
i took years to get over him.
when the feeling came back again,
i tried as hard to forget him.
and i did.
it was hard, it was painful.
listening to the same song, "what can i do" by the corrs every night.
lyrics kept repeating in my head.
" what can i do to make you love me.... what can i do to make you care..."
finally, after nights of tears, i got over him.
ever since, i told myself my feelings for him would never rekindle.
but this time round, i don't want to lie to myself.
those heart-thumping moments,
the rush of feeling,
the heartfelt emotions.
all these aren't for fake you know.
they are so real.
right from the bottom of my heart.
i know he's not the right guy for me to fall for.
i don't even know if the feelings have been rekindled, yet again.
i'm confused, i'm lost.
i got no idea how i'm feeling.
probably i'm deceiving myself again.
but why?
cos' deep in my heart, i want to go against my feelings.
oppressing the feelings is terrible.
today, i'm even more convinced -
convinced by the fact that he's not worth my affections.
how good a guy can be if he makes you wait for him for more than half an hour w/o informing you he'll be late, w/o replying your smses, telling you where he is?
and how good can he be, if he finally calls - but all he did was "hahahahahahahaha" & "sorry"?
all i could do was only to laugh it off.
i was tired the whole time.
because i feel bad - i wanted to meet him.
because he said he missed me ( be it jokingly or real, we haven't met for a long time.) - i wanted to meet him.
even when he told me he would be late and asked me to wait for me, i did - willingly.
i stood somewhere foreign to me - alone - waiting like a fool.
thank gawd xian chatted with me on the phone.
but he did nothing.
why do guys hurt girls like this?
he called me when i left - i asked him what happened?!
he said it was revenge - since i stood him up many times.
i was shocked - i asked him, " are you serious?"
he laughed ( again) - no of course not.
but he never did explain why he was 30 mins late.
and i did not ask.
i'm in no position to ask.
i don't hate him.
i still love him as a friend.
i'm truly fortunate to have him as my friend.
but i hate myself.
for being a fool.
for being fooled.
i never realised i've sank in so deep.
i never realised my feelings are like 'sand in a bottle of water'.
unstirred, it remained at the bottom of the bottle.
but it will always remain.
i really had enough.
stop loving him.
stop falling for him.
stop waiting for the love of your life.
it never happens.
guys aren't trustworthy anymore.
aren't anymore.
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
my saying,
" if love isn't the force to keep you going, i don't know what else will."
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Monday, November 22, 2004
good thing i managed to secure 8 to 12 slot.
bad thing i can't really get what i want.
understanding financial stats - yes.
drama & poetry - no.
instead, it's JAPANESE.
oh well.
for better or worse, i got company for both classes.
and i'm learning a fourth language.
so, why not?
hope everyone chose their IS well, got what they wanted, love what they've got.
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Saturday, November 20, 2004
familiar views of school compound & buildings.
familiar and much missed laughter.
right in my head was, " oh gosh. the 2 weeks passed real fast eh."
when i tried to recall what i had done over the 2 weeks,
nothing came to my mind.
but i could feel it.
the feeling of back-to-school.
it was a dream last night.
very real indeed.
i felt real disappointed in my dream.
it seemed i haven't enjoyed myself well enough. (who will?)
i really thought it was all gone - my hols.
back-to-school could only mean one thing - sleepless nights & no life.
shucks.
when i woke up, i thought, ' what?'
i'm back to 2 weeks before!!!!
it almost felt like i was on the time-machine.
now i know i MUST cherish and make full use of my remaining hols.
be it beach-ing, staying up late watching tv, going out, visiting, hanging out with old friends, there's only one thing i must do - DO THEM ALL!
like i said,
cherish it - or lose it.
i felt i've lost it - my hols.
so i must cherish it.
must be the timetable that made me have this dream ( or nightmare you can call it).
whatever so, i've "woke up" from the comfort of dreams.
before it's too late before i "wake up" from the comfort of hols.
have fun people.
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Friday, November 19, 2004
- sucky
- lousy
- no better
- okay lar
- 3 hr break
- 2 hr lesson in a DAY
it sums it all, no?
can be better.
my IS modules better be good.
if not, ............
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Thursday, November 18, 2004
some happy things happened today.
and i am happy.
obviously.
anyways, a gentle reminder ( or warning) -
2 weeks of break left.
cherish it - or lose it.
i got my bursary.
needn't worry about driving lessons and school expenses.
phew~
that's the good news for me.
finally a load off my mind.
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004
i'm Mrs Slacker.
i'm doing the most "glamourous" stuff on earth!
building up fats,
lazing around like a lazy bummer,
daydreaming,
slack like no one's business.
the worst part is i'm building up fats.
oh gawd.
it happens even when i'm in school.
those kinda stress makes me eat more.
so what freaking stress i have now?
stress over doing nothing.
something i needa add on,
it's a surprise to me that i'm numb to life as a mass comma.
seeing fake people faker than pam.anderson's fake boobs.
sighz.
i used to scream the ass outta my ass (erm, eh?),
whine about how materialistic some people are,
complain about how life sucks being a mass comma...
but i'm also part of this big mass comma family.
that makes me a fake person too right? ( take away the fake boobs part)
more than often, i meet or catch up with old friends out of poly.
these are the times when i feel real.
really "real".
therefore, i can't blame people for having the misconceptions of mass commas.
there's nothing much WE can do.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004
night by night,
hols are getting shorter,
school is getting nearer.
let me count.
about... 3 more weeks to school?
sighz.
dreadful.
school starts on 6th dec.
ann's coming back on 5th.
crap.
i gonna squeeze my time for her, school, as well as driving lessons.
the good vibes about school : get to see my fellow mass commas again and prepare breakfast for some.
the bad vibes: do i even have to mention about the projs & assignments?
i'm looking forward to tv production.
hmmm. and PR too.
but definitely not those horrendous deadlines.
shucks.
okay. nuff' said about school.
i'm leading a simple life - no rush, no delay.
just chill and lax around.
hope everyone else's doing fine.
whether it's hols or itp, left with 3 weeks about.
so take care people.
i do miss a few.
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Sunday, November 14, 2004
jackson mentioned something - which i had to agree.
" when guys treat girls well, girls will ignore the guys.
when girls treat guys well, guys will ignore the girls."
why do guys behave in that way?
i mean, why do WE behave in that way?
first, i treat you well... but you make me sooo frustrated by giving me the cold shoulder.
and so i thought, ' fine, ... '.
after which, you treat me so well... but i feel, 'what the....hell?'.
okay. i'm confused.
i'm confused with human emotions.
i'm confused with how human beings work.
talking about complicated machines,
i think human beings fit the bill.
human beings are machines with feelings.
well.
i guess human beings are creatures behaving like machines with complicated emotions.
talking about inventions,
humans are inventions.
thus, world inventions are made by inventions.
complicated?
that's why i say, human beings are complicated.
back to inventions,
i think they link.
for example, they invent a remote control.
oh so convenient... oh what a great invention.
and because of this invention, they have to invent slimming pills and equipments.
why?
simple.
with remote control, they seldom need to walk to the tv & do the switches.
thus, they put on weight.
thus, they need to lose weight.
thus, they need to eat those horrendous pills.
make sense?
definitely.
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Friday, November 12, 2004
now, i'm tanned on my arms & legs - burnt on my chest.
oh yes, my fren told me rubbin' sand against your skin makes em' smooth.
i tried it - and yees! it does!
hahahahaz.
met my richard in town.
thought of callin' dan - but thought he's working.
hehz.
shan't disturb yo.
thanks for the chat & company.
truly truly miss ya.
cheers!
------------
people hurt others w/o realising how.
a simple "sorry" is always the easiest way out.
but the pain caused can never be erased.
people don't realise what hurts.
------------
i'm happy.
i'm sad.
i'm happy.
i'm sad.
i'm happy.
i'm sad.
it's almost an emo rollercoaster for me today.
--------------
after a sleepless night, i got my results.
sucky.
the worst results ever in my mass comm years.
i truly let myself down.
big time.
i'm glad i've cleared the modules.
hope you guys too.
take care.
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i can't log into Npal.
oh yes. anxious abt results.
so damn worried i gonna fail something.
nothing's making me feel better.
me not gettin' into radio heatwave too.
i'm NOT selected.
okay, i'm taking it easy.
but of course upset & sad.
i'm really taking it easy.
scaared.
went to town today.
saw dearest noodle - in the middle of the road!
hehz. of all places eh.
xmas' coming.
the only sad thing is - we are schooling.
arghhh.
what's worse... i might retake some modules.
hurr.
i'm so damn "lucky" right.
i just wanna pass.
can predict a few Ds if not Fs...
i must tell myself to work hard next sem.
MUST.
okay, worrying time.
sighz.
good luck everyone.
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Wednesday, November 10, 2004
today's my last class with my students -
before i release em' for a short but good break, before i see em' in dec again.
i truly miss em',
though they get on my nerves @ times,
make me wonder if i should cry or laugh.
my "dearest" primary 1 student nesel repeated this word times again -
"CHAO CHEE BYE"
without knowing the meaning to it.
what did i do?
hmmmm. i slapped him.
OH WOW.
me sucha terror teacher.
well, i think he deserved it.
results out in ----- 2 DAys.
Oh great.
suddenly, i feel like digging a hole for myself to hide - in case of emergency.
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Monday, November 08, 2004
i told her,
" i wanna go back to the past cos' i knew what had happened & wanna do the things which i want to do. but the future holds no promise - i don't know what gonna happen. "
she said,
" but we cannot do anything abt the past, we can do a lot for our future."
she makes sense.
i made sense too.
" the future holds no promise."
for me, you, and each & everyone.
who knows what will happen the next moment?
"if you think you know, you have no idea at all. " - oscar from shark tale
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Sunday, November 07, 2004
ELYN
SIYI
JASMINE
today @ ECP!
thanks babes - cos i hadn't laughed so hard for ages.
we cycled for a full 2 hrs!
me & siyi werent supposed to be tanned -
but we ARE tee-tanned.
elyn & jas who were "skimpily" dressed -
ARE NOT TANNED!
waddahell.
anyways, our butts hurt like hell now.
we went to sit around -
then head to suntec for dinner.
headed to esply for chill-out.
we took some hilarious pics -
but i can't load em' right now.
hopefully soon.
anyways, i had a tummy problem.
we went to pacific cafe to sit around & really crapped.
we talked lotsa crap and it was hilarious!
oh come on....
even on the way back - on the train!
it was soo funny.
supposed to rest in the train but ended up... hahahas.
so when me & jas reached wdls,
was tellin' her we could go pasar malam for a walk.
but my tummy acted up again.
thanks jas - for waiting me up.
sighz. supposed to get hm in a cab,
but ... argh, forget it.
now i'm feelin' ----- nothing.
i hate my tummy for hell's sake.
givin' me too many problems.
OH YES.
thanks girlies -
i had lotsa funnnnnnn.
YES.
FUN!
THANK YOU! =D
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Saturday, November 06, 2004
those days spent doing projs, projs and projs.
honestly, i can't wait to get back to that kinda busy life.
i don't want to get used to slackin'.
sighz.
my mind's heavy with thoughts.
can't help but feel, some things are indeed meant to be.
if only time don't play a waiting game with me,
if only fate don't mess me up,
if only.
if it happened then, we probably would still be together.
maybe.
i won't know the answer until i tried.
and i hate it when i know time played me out.
not once - but at least 3 times.
i can only be glad he liked me once.
sighz.
meetin' elyn, anita & jasmine - for "training" tmr.
i am so damn lookin' forward to it!
first of all, i miss em'!
and i miss cyclin'!
and finally, i'm close to the beach.
plannin' to go beach-ing this comin' end of da wk.
Soooooooooo exciting!
this is life man~
certainly. =)
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the cake of the night - thanks to joce.
GAPbabes
the crapbabes
kat enjoyin' da cake
sinyee & iver
the orange couple - zack & jes
xian, me, amber & joce
the frens of yesteryear - me, iver & jes
kat & iver
me & jes
stay away!
talk to my hand - joce
the eye - me & kat
waddahell!
the halo above sinyee - the Qihuaians
sinyee & me
sinyee,xian, iver
xian feels raped!
the finished cake!
first of all, thanks zz for the present(s)!
very sweeet! hahahahas.
i'm not cooing, so no worries.
just funny - cos i gave zack a bottle of sand for his birthday.
only difference - my bottle is much bigger ,
and the sand is from Sentosa! =D
THANK YOU ZACK!
glad all the babes can make it.
haven't met up for ages -
and i'm glad everyone's fine.
it has been a real goood time ya know.
i really miss you all.
and sinyee, thanks for lettin' me know.
you-know-what.
i really cannot sleep tonight! hahahas
thanks jes, iver & sinyee for sending me home - by foot!
much appreciated.
time change people - and now i'm a fat bitch.
sighsx.
fate.
sighsx.
in all, i had fun.
can't wait to go club, beach or steamboat with ya guys!
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Wednesday, November 03, 2004
meeting elyn, anita, jasmine for cycling-mania.
and monday - meeting ailing for dinner & chill out @ esply.
very good.
i'm finally "doing" something.
i miss kelly.
i miss the late nights we spent in school covering news.
i miss her crap.
i miss teasing her.
i miss lins.
i miss spending the nights over at her place.
i miss her vulgarities.
i miss her plush dog.
i miss school - teeny weeney bit.
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Tuesday, November 02, 2004
sighs. was expecting the female to win..
but who knows?
anyways, congrats.
i thought he could qualify to be a mass comma.
*LOL*
a few issues i'll like to raise.
couple of news i came across -
been the headlines -
reveal a few tangled relationships.
like what?
the jakarta bombing.
the poor girl who was brought to our country for treatment -
if it weren't that, how would we know the poor young girl has more than 1 father?
huang na's disappearance - now murder.
she has got 2 fathers too.
the irony of life -
the complicating relations.
human beings aren't simple.
we all look the same - two eyes, ears, hands, legs, ....
what differentiates us from each other -
probably our emotions & thinking.
there are many things we cannot comprehend.
rather, there are things i cannot understand.
when i was young, adults will say, ' you'll understand when you get older.'
but i never did.
love?
we always thought it's he loves her. she loves him.
but it's never that way.
there's always a third party.
there's always heartbreak.
i wonder when the world revolves.
when did the world change to a place -
split into 2 -
coldblooded, warm?
maybe i hasn't grown up.
i won't say i'm contented with my life -
i'm glad i have what i have now.
i think so.
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Monday, November 01, 2004
my P1 & 2 class.
xan (p1): do you know why boy and boy cannot kiss?
me: why??
xan: cos' if they kiss, the boy will lay eggs!
me:.... NO. do your mummy lay eggs?
xan:hmmm. my mummy has eggs.
me: eggs and sperm form to create YOU.
gene (xan's bro, p2) : what is 'sperm'?
idris (p5): *giggles*
me: okay, let me draw....
*drew an egg and sperm*
me: understand?
gene: how did the sperm enter the egg?
me:.... erm, they have sex.
gene: HAHAHAHA.. but where the sperm come from?
idris: YOUR KUKU BIRD!!
me:.... erm..... penis.
gene & xan and other students: *LOL*
i was seriously speechless.
of all things, why must this kuku bird incident happen to me all the time?!
i'm sick of explaiing sex to my students.
arghhhh.
especially when i don't know if i should laugh or cry!
sighs. my students.
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drove to ubi.
first, i saw this ........
TOYOTA RAV4!!!!
this one is the exact same one like mr B's.
i told my instructor that's my fav jeep.
i got all excited.
then i saw this...........
MY FAVOURITE TITANIUM RAV4!!!!!
can you imagine how excited i got behind the steering wheel?!
i was grinning from ear to ear!
WAAAHHHH...
okay. i was so daring.
the speed limit's 70km/hr.
i did not realise i went 90 km- 100km/hr!!!!!!
until mr chua warned me,
" ehh, do you know that you can get summon too? don't speed!"
oops! hahahahas.
now i know why people speed.
the feeling is so damn good!
it was really great. =p
it's actually quite right i got itp 2.
i'll probably get my licence before my attachment,
even if i fail it once.
so maybe the company i've been posted to allow me to drive?
or even better, give me a company car??
oOoooo....... !!!!~
.... i'm dangerously crazy. =p
------ poor huang na-------
a poor young girl's life ended -
she's innocent, she has done no wrong.
poor girl dead - real story?
nobody knows --- yet.
i pray for the young girl,
rest in peace.
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