" to love is harder than being loved."
however, i am a fool who always fall for the wrong guy.
i never thought crushing on a guy can be so tired & hurtful.
to me, it should be sweet & fantasising.
i like someone - but he doesn't know.
the feeling i keep to myself is overwhelming.
but i think i had enough.
guys aren't worth my affections.
especially HIM.
i told myself, 'never ever fall for him again'.
i took years to get over him.
when the feeling came back again,
i tried as hard to forget him.
and i did.
it was hard, it was painful.
listening to the same song, "what can i do" by the corrs every night.
lyrics kept repeating in my head.
" what can i do to make you love me.... what can i do to make you care..."
finally, after nights of tears, i got over him.
ever since, i told myself my feelings for him would never rekindle.
but this time round, i don't want to lie to myself.
those heart-thumping moments,
the rush of feeling,
the heartfelt emotions.
all these aren't for fake you know.
they are so real.
right from the bottom of my heart.
i know he's not the right guy for me to fall for.
i don't even know if the feelings have been rekindled, yet again.
i'm confused, i'm lost.
i got no idea how i'm feeling.
probably i'm deceiving myself again.
but why?
cos' deep in my heart, i want to go against my feelings.
oppressing the feelings is terrible.
today, i'm even more convinced -
convinced by the fact that he's not worth my affections.
how good a guy can be if he makes you wait for him for more than half an hour w/o informing you he'll be late, w/o replying your smses, telling you where he is?
and how good can he be, if he finally calls - but all he did was "hahahahahahahaha" & "sorry"?
all i could do was only to laugh it off.
i was tired the whole time.
because i feel bad - i wanted to meet him.
because he said he missed me ( be it jokingly or real, we haven't met for a long time.) - i wanted to meet him.
even when he told me he would be late and asked me to wait for me, i did - willingly.
i stood somewhere foreign to me - alone - waiting like a fool.
thank gawd xian chatted with me on the phone.
but he did nothing.
why do guys hurt girls like this?
he called me when i left - i asked him what happened?!
he said it was revenge - since i stood him up many times.
i was shocked - i asked him, " are you serious?"
he laughed ( again) - no of course not.
but he never did explain why he was 30 mins late.
and i did not ask.
i'm in no position to ask.
i don't hate him.
i still love him as a friend.
i'm truly fortunate to have him as my friend.
but i hate myself.
for being a fool.
for being fooled.
i never realised i've sank in so deep.
i never realised my feelings are like 'sand in a bottle of water'.
unstirred, it remained at the bottom of the bottle.
but it will always remain.
i really had enough.
stop loving him.
stop falling for him.
stop waiting for the love of your life.
it never happens.
guys aren't trustworthy anymore.
aren't anymore.
a mutation occurred in linG at 6:53 PM
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